Daffodils
Animal crackers
Spontaneous singing
Chocolate
Fuzzy socks
Random bursts of happiness
Warm bread
Picture books
Little ridiculous things that can make a room full of strangers suddenly start laughing together like friends
life
A Letter to Fear
Dear Fear,
You’ve always been here for as long as I can remember. You’ve really grown on me. With every crisis we face together, we become more inseparable. Every time the world around me shatters or caves in, when the dust clears and I am left alone in the silence of uncertainty, you are there. And you help me as I slowly begin to put the world back together, piece by piece. You tell me what it should look like. What it does look like. And I build it that way.
You are always there to keep me safe and warn me of what could happen. You tell me not to risk rejection or injury. When I reach for something that could be dangerous, you remind me of the scars on my hands from where the shattered pieces of the world cut them. Don’t open your hands or the scars might bleed again.
Sometimes I think you do too much. You hold me too tight. When we rebuild the world together, you paint it in darker colors than I remember.
You say you are keeping me safe, holding me like this. You say you do this because you care about me. But do you know that my lungs are caving in? I can’t even breathe like I used to.
You are so close to me I don’t even know where you end and I begin. I guess this is because you don’t end.
Sometimes I think what you feel for me is beyond just caring. And it’s not love. It’s possession.
You have always said you would never leave me, no matter what. You said I would never have to be alone, because in the moments when I am most alone, you are always there for me.
But I think maybe I would like you to stop being there. I want you to let go of me and leave me alone. I want to trade your company for the ability to breathe again.
You can leave me alone now. I’ll be ok.
I can say this. I can say it over and over. But all the time I’m saying it, I am the one clinging to you.
Because I don’t want to be left alone,
Sincerely Yours,
Me
Silent Words
Odd how you can see a heart
Without knowing a face
Silent words that touch your soul
Out of empty space
Odd how you can show your thoughts
The ones from deep inside
Because when you are miles away
There’s no reason to hide
The World Through My Eyes
The world through my eyes looks different than it really is.
Sometimes it’s a bit darker.
Bigger.
Or Smaller.
Sharper.
More frightening.
Less welcoming.
Sometimes it’s blurry.
Soggy.
Covered by a film of salt water.
Starting to dissolve.
But I live for the times when I see the world as a little brighter.
Bigger.
Or smaller.
Softer.
Full of possibility.
More embracing.
Overflowing with a thousand different kinds of beautiful.
Lovely.
Lovely.
Full of simple vibrant existence.
Summer Umbrella
I think I should like an umbrella.
Not the sort that keeps the rain off.
I should like a different sort of umbrella. A summer umbrella.
An umbrella to hold over my head on hot days when the sun is melting down my neck and the air is thick with heat.
An umbrella to hide under when it’s so hot that I don’t want to move.
I should like an umbrella to keep the sun off, but not just that.
I should like an umbrella that would rain on me.
Putting the World Back Together
I’m sorry I can’t fix everything
I can’t put the world back together
because the pieces are magnetic
but both negitive
or positive
pushing away from each other
refusing to touch
This is the world I live in
a world that spins
or falls
in tight spirals of chaos
like a yo-yo
and I can’t stop it
But I’ll do what I can
to help you
to save you
even when I think the yo-yo string is going to snap
and we are never coming back up
Even when all I can do is listen
Even when I have nothing to say
no way to reach you with words or thoughts
because you are so beyond me in your pain
When I have nothing else
I will give you handfuls of sunshine
And maybe we’ll be ok
Important Questions
When I sing to the night sky at the top of my lungs, can the stars hear me?
Are moon craters really the holes of giant lunar gophers?
Do trees consider being made into paper the highest honor?
Do books fall in love with their own stories?
Would my dog recognize me if I time traveled to ten years in the future?
Do clocks ever wish they could stop?
Does my reflection ever get bored of looking at me?
Will I ever know any of the answers?
Going into Life
I can’t tell you everything. No one can. This world was never meant to be put into simple words. You cannot summarize it. You cannot teach it. The only way to learn is to live. I give you only the few things I have gathered along the way in my life. Only the things which I see now belong to you. There are things which I cannot give you. You would never understand them; I understand them only through the lens of my own life.
I can’t take you there. I can only tell you to go. To listen. To trust and to leap and to let yourself fall. You have been told that falling is a bad thing. A sign of weakness maybe or of failure. Do not listen to the wisdom of the world. They advertise it in flashing lights and shout it from the rooftops over the busy streets True wisdom is quiet and yours alone. You cannot take the wisdom flung out to the masses. Only that which finds you alone in the silence.
To fall is not bad. It is like being lost. Terrifying, yes. But on the other side, when you find yourself on your feet again, you understand things you could never learn from mere words.
So when you hear it whisper in the silence, or feel it tugging gently at your heart, follow. Do not ask whether “this is it”. Do not ask where you are going.
Do not ask others if they feel it. All the world doesn’t find it at once.
When you feel it, it will be yours. So follow and see where it leads you.
I wish you the best in your life.
Forgetting How to Breathe
Sometimes I think I am forgetting how to breathe.
I’m still breathing. I haven’t forgotten so much that I’ve actually stopped, but I don’t breathe like I used to. I’m not quite sure what has changed or how to say it. That it has gotten harder to breathe? I suppose so. But not exactly. Every breath doesn’t take a conscious effort or anything like that. I don’t always notice how hard it is.
I think my breathing has gotten smaller. Maybe that is the difference. Every once in a while I suddenly become aware of the way I’m breathing, and realize that it’s only small wisps of air that I am taking in. My lungs don’t expand fully. When I don’t think about my breathing, I hardly breathe at all. No more than I have to. I’m just barely clinging to the air, not letting it fill me up. My lungs are always half empty.
When I do realize how I am breathing, I try to change it. I try to take deep breaths and let my lungs swell with oxygen. These breaths are deeper, but they’re still not normal. Not the way I used to breathe. I try to let each breath fill me up, but they never quite can. I can’t feel relaxed and breathe in as much as I should. Half way through inhaling I stop taking in air and just hold my breath without meaning to. I try to exhale slowly like I’ve been taught, but the moment I start to exhale, I need to breathe again.
Sometimes I think my lungs have shrunk or collapsed in on themselves.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t really breathe. Not enough.
But it always is enough. Maybe just barely, but it’s enough to keep me going. Enough to carry me to my next shallow breath.
Silent
Maybe someday I will wake up and the words will be there.
They will come easily. I will open my mouth and I will speak the things I see and feel and wish for.
My thoughts are loud whispers in my head. I do not know how to not hear them, but they are silent to the rest of the world.
Maybe someday my thoughts will learn how to reach my mouth. I will talk and people will hear. I will become audible.
Someday I will become used to the sound of my own voice.
But until then…
I will write.
Vague Thoughts From A Distracted Mind 